Parenting Conference

I presented at a Parents' Conference on my anniversary. I learned a lot of things, I think. I learned that children get worse before they get better. I learned that it is very possible that one day I could look up and have no idea who my child is. I learned that at some point in her little life, my daughter is going to value everyone's opinion except for mine. I learned that most people get into this whole parenting gig without having a clue.

The parent conference sucked.
Who the heck wants to hear that?

After all of this time I have put into teaching my 3yr old the basics: how to pee in the toilet, feed herself, and look while running to avoid crashing into walls, my child may grow up to think I am an idiot.
So what did I take away from this experience?
After listening to countless good-parent testimonials I have learned:

Buying your child too much or too little will scar them for life.
TV is bad for kids and teens, good for toddlers (phew!)
Stalking your child is necessary to ensure proper education in the public school sector.
Teenagers need to eat more than any other species.
If given the opportunity, teenagers will revolt.
Scantily clad teenage girls grow up to experience sciatica and arthritic pain (this was really said).
These same scantily clad girls are the reason boys can't concentrate in class.

Hopefully, I can put this information to use.

Anybody else have any parenting tips for me? I may have to write a book about it.